I Reminisce...

The smell of disinfectant alcohol always lingers in the air, hitting me with a wall of nostalgia and reminding me that the white, pastel walls surrounding me were safe and not evil. I reminisce about the times I visited the doctor, catching the same smell everytime I walk in. I reminisce about my adolescent self looking at my grandfather tucked under the sheets during his few days on earth. I reminisce about looking at my mother's smile as we, the family, play with my new born brother. But now that I am older and wiser I cannot help my heart stop hesitantly between beats as I stare at my grandmother. She was small and fragile that everytime she barely moved a muscle I would tense up, hoping that she wouldn't suddenly collapse. I tighten my jaw as I watched her struggle with the breathing mask that covered her whole face. She was not used to it so she kept on trying to take it off but without it she would have trouble breathing. The adults in the room go to her aid, telling her it will help her and she should stay calm. It made me wonder who the children in the room were. As I stood next to my cousin against the wall I could not help but feel useless in this situation. I could not do anything for her during this time. It frightened me to think that when I do help her she would only break in my arms. So, I continue to stand back, feeling my heart break everytime the clock ticks away the seconds of my time with her.