We finally land on this cold fifteen hour long flight from the San Francisco airport. I had been knocked unconscious by the Chinese opera music playing in my headphones for the past fifteen hours. The highlight of my trip so far was the airplane food. I had been starving ever since I'd been on the plane. They finally brought me my eggs, sausages, and my small cup of orange juice. The eggs were a little bit runny for my tastes, despite the taste; I devoured the plate of food within seconds. Fast forward to the present, here we are in what I thought was the Vietnam airport, but I find that what they were speaking in the airport wasn’t Vietnamese. I realized that we had just landed in Taipei, about another three hour flight to Vietnam. I was disappointed, as we waited for our next plane. My mother and I hopped on the next plane and luckily they didn’t have any of that Chinese opera.
We finally land in Vietnam and as I approached the door that connected the airplane to the airport; a putrid stench attacked my nose with the fury of a thousand Native American tribes. We picked up our luggage from the escalator that goes in circles; each bag seemed to weigh at least three-hundred pounds each. We grabbed a cart to put our luggage on and were on our way outside. It was about noon and as we walked out I could feel the humid air begin to drain the energy away from me. Within seconds I had been sweating, and my clothes had soaked as if I have been shot a thousand times with hundreds of super soakers. I would have surely won a wet t-shirt contest easily that day.
Our family quickly spotted us and threw everything in the back of a silver Toyota van that we had rented. We drove about a half an hour to our house way out in the ghettos of Vietnam where my family lived. The road was made of dirt and nothing more, everything there seemed underdeveloped kind of like a fetus. I would have dropped dead and given up on life if there wasn’t any air conditioning in this van. We arrived in our village and took about ten minutes to unpack our entire luggage. I got to finally see my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandpa who I’ve haven’t seen in nearly five years. We got reacquainted and began to make up for the past five years that I had been gone. The long trip was well worth it, reuniting with my long lost family again.
I like how you describe the setting and how you show that Vietnam was humid and that the flight was extremely boring due to Chinese opera and multiple hours of sitting down. It made me imagine what you have felt being on the plane. I would want to make the essay flow a lot more easily. I feel that transitions to different areas of your travel were a bit choppy so it kind of gave me an awkward feeling to read it. Other than that i like you went into great detail about what you saw, what you felt, and how you felt about the travel overall.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your simile about the fetus ; all your similes were original. While the traveling aspects of the trip you described were chaotic, it seemed that you rushed at the end . Your description and use if imagery for the flight, the food, the music, the frustration, etc was very thorough. However, after you got off the plane at your destination, things finished off rather quickly. Maybe a little more exaggeration when telling the story to increase the pace and intensity of your voyage would make the story more attention-grabbing. I would have liked to hear more about what happened when you got there. Also, maybe seperate your events into different paragraphs; it might make the story more clear to readers.
ReplyDeleteYou gave lots of details. I could almost put myself in your place and see and feel what you did. I also like how you put some similes in your story. But i agree with kyle, i think you should add stuff to better transition to the different places you were describing.
ReplyDeletei thought your essay was goood. I like how you were so detail in the setting and using similes in your essay .
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you described everything and your choice of words were great with setting the emotion and tone in your essay, but you should try to drag things out more because it sounded a litle rushed on some parts. Other than that, good job(:
ReplyDeleteI like how you described everything that happened and used some interesting similes. I agree with the others that it sounds rushed towards the end and that the story didn't really transition from place to place.
ReplyDeleteYour essay was really good! I love how you described everything, from the eggs to your the underdeveloped village that was like a fetus :)The tone and emotion you put in your essay put a smile on my face! I could also relate to the long plane ride, though mine probably wasn't as long!
ReplyDeletegood job! but you just sort of go from one thing to another, so I would take a little time to describe some scenes more and how you felt! But still it was really fun to read!
I was impressed by how you described the stench when you arrived, and all the comparisons you made. I liked how you put some comedy in your writing. I also like how you took time with your details to help describe how long the trip felt, but it was all worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteThe words you chose to describe your situation helped me put myself in your shoes. I had a very good idea of what the airport and Vietnam looked and felt like. I would have liked to hear more about your family and what you did while in Vietnam.
ReplyDeleteThe way you described your trip felt as if I can picture myself right there with you experiencing the Chinese opera music and the humid air. I also like how you used sensory details and also the similes used to compare your clothing and dirt roads. I agree with everyone else when they say it was rushed and should be more clear. Overall, good job.
ReplyDeleteThat's cool how you got to travel and see your family. I wonder if it's awkward.. Anyways, like Nisha said, it seemed a little rushed, but it still makes sense to somewhat rush it because otherwise it might become too long of a story. maybe you could have detailed certain parts more? I think a lot of people can relate to the airplane part also, which was good to add.
ReplyDeleteYour essay was really good, and, like everyone else, I really enjoyed your descriptions. The comparisons made with the runny eggs, underdeveloped city, heat etc made the tale more vivid. However, the story seemed a bit disjointed, jumping from one thing to another quickly. It might be even better if you make the descriptions more uniform throughout the narrative and make it more fluid.
ReplyDeleteI like how you described how hungry, and tired you were on the airplane trip. It was also cool how you led the audience to believe that you finally landed at your destination, just to find out that you still had a 3 hour flight left. The beginning of the essay seemed detailed and the end rushed a little bit, like what other people said. The orginazation was a little hard to follow but overall it was entertaining to read.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy how you writing made me feel as if I am in your body experiencing what you are going through. It seemed as if I were smelling the nasty smell you were smelling. Great job
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you compared how great the smell was as "the fury of a thousand Native American tribes" and how the village was like an underdeveloped fetus. The use of humor lightened the mood since you started out with a tired, serious tone in the beginning. I enjoyed the ending as you somewhat tied up loose ends with seeing the family you haven't visited in 5 years. :]
ReplyDeleteHii Taylor :)
ReplyDeleteGreat use of imagery, similes, and metaphors. My favorite was "Within seconds I had been sweating, and my clothes had soaked as if I have been shot a thousand times with hundreds of super soakers. I would have surely won a wet t-shirt contest easily that day." Although it was probably a hyperbole, you expressed how hot it was humorously.
A suggestion would be to break down your paragraphs to better organize your thoughts for readers:)
But overall, you did a great job! I wish I had family in Vietnam to visit, even though the heat is almost unbearable.
I really liked how your descriptions and comparisons you made. It was really easy to picture myself on an airplane being all tired and anxious. The mood of the story was well placed and let the reader have a better understanding of how you felt. Although your story was good, it seemed as if it jumped around to much and that it could have had even more detail. Like towards the end where you finally arrive, it could have been more descriptive. You could have told more about where you were staying and your family.
ReplyDeleteYour essay has a very large mood swing. I thought that it was very clever of you to make it seem like it was one of the most most boringest time of your life then switch the mood to being happy. The sensory details really help depict the images into my head. Also, I really liked the similes you used; they made your situation a lot easier to imagine.
ReplyDeleteThe words you used to describe the events and all the comparisons made made this an overall entertaining story. The only things i can think of that would be better changed are your orginization. Everything seemed a bit crammed and some parts of the story sound as if they could use a little more detail, but still a entertaining story thanks to your descriptions and comparisons.
ReplyDeleteWHOA so many comments! :)
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I loved the little bits of humor that you had. Especially tying back the aspects of the Chinese opera thing in the beginning of your first paragraph to your end. This seems thought out, and a reader could really begin to picture how your trip there was like through all the sensory details throughout the little things like how your eggs tasted or how humid it was.
That's my boy. :)
This piece has a lot of literary potential because I identified great use (intentional or unintentional) of mood, irony, imagery, sensory detail, comparison, simile, diction, and the continuation that we see in Alice's Restaurant, Dave Barry's "Beauty and the Beast" and other works.
ReplyDeleteThe mood is created from your first sentence where you use diction to create a weary mood ("cold", "long hours").
There was irony in how you made something positive come out of the whole uncomfortable experience.
Of course, there was plenty of imagery that contributed to the draggy mood and helped the reader feel like they were in your place.
You used sensory detail in including details in smell (stench) and sight. Although there were time limitations, this piece would have been better if there were details it sounded like when you entered the village ghettos. This piece could easily be turned into a whole novel. Imagery and sensory details (sight, smell, listening) of how the ghettos looked would've aided in creating that intended tone and mood.
I LOVE the continuation when you bring up the Chinese opera music a little later. It also relates to the setting because of Taiwan's relation to China.
One thing I would've added in there is some ambiguity and symbolism for simple objects, so the work would have more meaning than it already does.
Overall, I think your story was really good in regards to interest and literary merit.
The use of the small bits of humor and wit in order to lighten the overall tone and mood of the peice is rather good. The sensory assortment that you display is also a good addition to the overall narrative.
ReplyDeleteI love the little humor you use, it really gave me that visual image of how hot and humid it must have been, that it was as if you were shot a thousand times by super soakers. Throughout your blog, I was always creating a visual picture in my mind. From the super soakers to the undeveloped fetus.
ReplyDeleteAt first I almost thought it was some kind of happy experience with a twist. I would say I think you should add more details of how going through that long flight to Vietnam and practically dying in that hot weather, made it all worth it in the end to be reunited with your family. But, other than that I really enjoyed reading your blog! (: