Suddenly, I heard the booming voice call, "Jeserey Sanchez". Knees trembling I started the long walk to the center of the field. At the midst of the roaring applause I heard the yells and cheering from everyone in the crowd. Fearing of falling flat on my face, I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and focused on the smiling faces of the other candidates. Finally reaching the semi- circle of the nominated princesses, we waited as they announced the results.
As, they called the winners of the freshman and sophomore princesses, the moment I've been waiting for has finally come. At that moment was when I realized how badly I had wanted to win. Early that last week when they informed me that I was nominated as one of the "Up & Coming" princesses, I just to brushed it off. Giving myself the mentality, "How hard could it be?". Hadn't realized Homecoming week was the next week. Long nights, early mornings, it was the beginning of a very stressful week. It started with the talent show. Learned a new song by night, memorized and got it down the following day. Fingers crossed it would just all fall into place once I was on stage. Like they say there's a first time for everything, and being spirited for everyday of the week, it was the first.
......
All that was rushing through my head at that very moment, hoping that all the stress and effort I had put into the whole week was going to pay off at that night. Still clutched onto Ms. Munoz's arm, anxiously waited as Gabby slowly announced 2010's Homecoming Queen.
"And Your Homecoming Queen is .. Jeserey Sanchez" And suddenly I felt as if a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was the last thing I would've expected to happen to me my Junior year. And is surely a memory I will always cherish.
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ReplyDeleteThe story was very descriptive, using a lot of sensory detail that makes the reader feel what you were once feeling during that stressful weak. I like how you gave some background about what had been happening that week building up some suspense. It was written very well, but there are some punctuation errors here and there such as "Like they say theres a first time for everything, and being spirited for everyday of the week, it was the first." The there's is missing an apostrophe
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ReplyDeleteThe way you set up the scene (by starting out in the moment of waiting for the announcement, then flashing back, and then once more returning to the present) presents a more interesting and real experience to the reader.
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptive word choice you used such as "roaring applause," "seemed like an eternity," "cherished," and "booming voice."
It was also refreshing to read the details you chose to add. They were not overused or dull. For example you chose to tell the reader that you were humming to yourself, that the nominees were standing in a semi-circle, that you were scanning the audience, you explained your prep for the talent show, etc. These are details not everyone would have been able to anticipate and thus kept the story interesting.
I also though it was very cute that this was a memory you would always cherish.
One suggestion, however, is to limit your personal pronouns. You seemed a little repetitive at times, especially in the first paragraph.
"MY hands trembled as I took MY escorts hand. I waited impatiently, tapping MY foot until they introduced ME. Silently humming to MYself I cast a nervous smile at Ms. Munoz. It seemed like an eternity for them to call MY name. I scanned to the audience for the assuring smiles of MY best friends, Michelle's was the first was one that locked eyes with MY. Giving ME the look that whatever happens, I shouldn't let it bring ME down."
Good job! :)
Great use of descriptive detail; by providing the readers with vivid descriptions and explanations about the moment, your thoughts and emotions were spread to the reader and it was as if all of us were there with you, in the race for homecoming queen :).
ReplyDeleteFor example, " I waited impatiently, tapping my foot until they introduced me. Silently humming to myself I cast a nervous smile at Ms. Munoz." was a great way to start the story because it provides background, setting, and gets the reader engaged right off the bat.
Your frequent use of pathos personalized the story. Your emotions, thoughts, and feelings transcended to the audience. For exaple, "Learned a new song by night, memorized and got it down the following day. Fingers crossed it would just all fall into place once I was on stage."
Some of your sentences do not include a subject. For example, "Hadn't realized Homecoming week..." and "Fingers crossed it would just all...". A suggestion would be to include the subject, whether it be a pronoun or object, for better clarity for the readers. Verbs always need something to modify :]
Well described moment.You go girl!; I'm glad you won :D!
I loved all the descriptions you gave to explain your situation. They helped me to put myself in your place and understand how you felt. There were a few grammatical errors, such as "Early that last week when they informed me that I was nominated as "Up & Coming" princes, I just seem to brush it off." You misspelled the word "princess".
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bekah that you repeated the word "me" too often.
I also liked how you explained how you felt after winning: "And suddenly I felt as if a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was the last thing I would've expected to happen to me my Junior year. And is surely a memory I will always cherish."
I was confused with this sentence at first because of the repeated "the first": "Like they say theres a first time for everything, and being spirited for everyday of the week, it was the first."
Overall, I enjoyed your story because you were able to explain how a short moment in your life was a very big deal and impacted you greatly. It was easy to relate my life with yours by all your descriptions. Good job!
I like how you showed background information of the moment leading up to your winning giving alot of description to how you where feeling every moment you wrote about. I found it easy to relate to seeing how I felt the same way that week even if i hadnt through all your descriptions I could have put myself in your placeand felt what you felt.
ReplyDeleteI liked your build up to your big moment. You had great details and it made me feel like I was in your spot. I also agree that you used the words "I" and "me" a little too much. You incorporated a few analogies which better helped us understand how you felt. This was overall a good essay with minor errors that can easily be fixed. :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you began the piece without simply stating what was happening. You then continued in the next paragraph to actually tell the readers (in a suddle, effective way) what was going on. This portion was really well done. It is important for authors to use the old "show-not-tell" rule, while at the same time juggling the responsibility to inform readers of what is going on.
ReplyDeleteLater on in the essay, I noticed a few sentence fragments. I don't particularly know if they were purposely inserted into the essay or if they are minor grammar errors. It kind of seemed to disturb the flow of the story. I would either make them complete sentences, or make it more obvious that the sentences are cut short in order to create an effect (like pathos). If you are to do this, it would probably be best to do so in areas of the essay that express emotion. My advice would be to add fragments when talking of how nervous you were, like in paragraphs 1, 2, or 4.
Your thoughts and feelings were made evident throughout the essay, and I felt like I could have been there. When speaking of your thoughts, you did so thoroughly. Readers therefore can connect with you easily.
The placement of details and events in the essay worked out really well. It was structured in a manner that made the essay flow smoothly. You started out describing the event, then provided background information, then discussed all that had happened to you leading up to the particular event. You finished it off the same way you started, making it kind of like a framed tale. Really well done.
I liked the way you described this memory that you'll always cherish. The sensory details ("humming", "tapping") and the analogies ("It seemed like an eternity for them to call my name") contributed to an interesting story. However, there were some grammatical errors, such as the unnecessary apostrophe in paragraph 3 ("As,...). I also came upon the fragment in paragraph 1: "Giving me the look that whatever happens, I shouldn't let it bring me down." For future reference, you can add this to the previous sentence. For example: "I scanned the audience for the assuring smiles of my best friends. Michelle's was the first one that locked eyes with me, giving me the look that 'whatever happens, I shouldn't let it bring me down.' "
ReplyDeleteAlso, I also became confused once I read the middle of the third paragraph due to some of the choppy fragments. I could tell these were your thoughts because of the lack of personal pronouns at the beginning of the the fragments ("Hadn't realized Homecoming week was the next week.", "Learned a new song by night, memorized and got it down the following day.", "Still clutched onto Ms. Munoz's arm, anxiously waited as Gabby slowly announced 2010's Homecoming Queen.").
As a future reference, you could emphasize your emotion by putting your name in all caps like this: " 'And Your Homecoming Queen is .. JESEREY SANCHEZ' ". Overall, this moment felt like YOUR moment.
"Giving myself the mentality, "How hard could it be". Hadn't realized Homecoming week was the next week. "These sentences just didn't sit right with me, and don't get me wrong. I know that as a writer at times we can take a certain liberty with structure, but the overall flow still seemed not to flow correctly.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few other places that seemed to not flow correctly, but none of these problems were major.
I loved how you wrote your story; going from the night of the event you had been waiting for, to flashing back on the week, and then ending with the results- it really caught the reader’s attention. It also was a great way to keep the reader thinking over and over, so did she win or no?
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions and details you put into the story helps the reader know how you had felt at that moment [my hands trembled, tapping my foot, humming to myself, cast a nervous smile, seemed like an eternity] and it paints a clear picture. In the story your thought and emotions were clear to the reader and it made it feel like as if we were in the same situation, along with you.
Over all I think your story was great, but you seemed to use personal pronouns [me, my, I] very frequently. Also there were a few sentence fragment and grammatical errors that messed with the flow of the story. But still you did a great job and it was really easy to relate to your experience. Good job!
-Sim :]
Besides the grammatical, sentence structure errors, moments where the story lost its flow, and the overuse of personal pronouns like many of the others mentioned, I thought you did wonderfully. :)
ReplyDeleteYou did a lot to build up anxiety in your audience, like with details about your nervous habits and fidgeting. I think you second-to-last paragraph should have focused on details that would contribute to the suspense -- seeing how it, structurally, should provide a climax -- but the momentum kind of fell as you kept describing the week without the same sensory details and description of nervousness and hard work.
(So basically, if you're trying to build up a certain feeling from your audience, watch how it develops through your essay structure and don't stop building it up until the resolution is reached!)
Other than that, like I had briefly mentioned, your use of sensory detail to put a reader in your perspective turned out, for the most part, successfully. Good job, Jes :)
I liked how you described your situation; what was running through your mind and also what was happening in your surroundings. The way you felt in the suspense was clear and created pathos.
ReplyDeleteThere are structural problems in your sentences that don't have a subject. For example, "Hadn't realized Homecoming week was the next week". The grammatical and structural problems in this piece altered the flow of the writing. You also over used the personal pronouns in the first paragraph.
Besides the errors, good job at personalizing this piece of writing and exemplifying a feeling everyone can relate to.
I love how you used a lot of sensory details and description. For example "hands trembling", "tapping my foot", "nervous smile", etc. This really showed me how you felt and what you were doing. Also you described the setting and what you were listening to, for example "roaring applause" and "semi-circle of nominees". By describing your scene like this i feel like I am there with you.The details you used also helped keep the audience interested.
ReplyDeleteI also like how you did a flashback into the week prior to this event. When you described what you had to do and all the stress you went through, it really helps the audience understand the "weight lifted off your shoulders".
There were a few errors..like the one rachel ^ said, but other than that it was a really personal story that i enjoyed reading.
I like how you started off describing how you felt before they annonced the results, instead of just starting it off with them, giving more an exciting introduction. Another thing I liked is how you used a flashback in the third paragraph to provide more background information on your feelings.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple minor errors with punctuation and some words missing or too many of the same words in the sentences of your paragraphs. Also, I wish you could have expanded more on the conclusion of your essay to give it more of a clear ending, rather than a more generic one.
Other than that, nice job(:
Your essay was very descriptive and it played a movie in my mind as i read your essay. I liked how you used short sentences in the introduction to have that space in between, it helped make the moment feel real becuase it reminnded me of a heart beat when your nervous and it seemed like each sentence was a tense moment where you were nervous for the results. One thing that I would say you could do is have a transition that takes you back through the week instead of just jumping into the flashback. Nonetheless, great essay! (:
ReplyDeleteThe introduction to your story drags out the moment and keeps tension in your tone. When you say, "Fearing of falling flat on my face, I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and focused on the smiling faces of the other candidates." you make the reader feel your longing for the torture to end. Even though I knew the outcome of the story I was still on the edge of my seat until the results. :P Oh and where's your pictureeee?!! :]
ReplyDeleteyour opening is very detailed good emphasis on how nervous you were and how you couldn't wait to hear whose the winner. next time i would try to make your story maybe a little longer and give a little more of a setting because as i read through i could only picture you walking and then being excited about hearing that you won give more of the time and place and also very nice on how you mentioned how you were around people and how you expressed your nervousness
ReplyDeleteThe way you described things in your story made it more interseting to read That and the leading up to the suspense and making the reader really what to know what happend makes the reader wait untill the end of the story.
ReplyDeleteI like the continuity of Mrs. Muñoz. You mentioned her in the beginning, and then mentioned her again towards the end.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoy your unique approach to providing background information to the readers. Instead of being in the introduction, you placed towards the middle of the essay. This may not always be the most effective way to present the info, but for the most part, it works in this case.
Maybe you should mention who exactly "they" are. Proper nouns instead of common nouns always add more detail and make writing better.
Aside from minor grammatical errors, I truly enjoyed your descriptive explanation of the experience. :)